By Dore Quinn, MEd, LPC – Dore is a licensed professional counselor, who works with those who are striving to overcome depression, anxiety, effects of sexual and physical abuse, grief, marital and parenting issues. Dore uses many different counseling modalities including traditional talk therapy, expressive art therapy, experiential therapy and play therapy (for the young ones).
I have often heard parents with young children lament the time when their child turns into a teen. For some reason, many look on that time with dread (could it be, perhaps, that many are thinking back to when they were a teen?). I have found the teen years to be fun, and quite different from having small children. There are many things we as parents can do to build a relationship with our teen.
To me, it begins with learning to allow our children to be his or her own person within the rules of the home. I have often thought of how much easier this whole parenting thing would be if each child came with his/her own manual, but we all know they don’t.
I remember before having my first child thinking, “Wow…we are going to have it so easy between my easy-going personality (which I have since learned isn’t so easy-going) and their dad’s easy-going personality (which really is easy-going)!” Yes, those of you with kids know how UNTRUE and naïve that thought is because what I didn’t realize at that time is that each child comes with his/her own personality.
Our children are not combinations of us, nor where they meant to be. It took me a few years to recognize that I was trying to turn my oldest into a “mini-Dore” because the way I thought was the right way to think or else I wouldn’t be thinking it, right? And yes, we clashed quite a bit until I realized what I was doing. As I was going about trying to make her into a mini-me, I completely overlooked her own person. The message I was sending without intending is that there was something wrong with her.
So then what was my job? I determined that my job as a parent was not to turn her into a mini-me, but to love her, protect her, and teach her right from wrong. It’s also important to not expect our children to be like their siblings.
In order to have a good relationship with your teen, home needs to be a safe haven from the rest of the world. A saying that I have repeated over and over (and my kids can recite it verbatim) is that not everyone on the planet is going to love them, but their family will ALWAYS love them!
A good way to foster a “Home is a safe haven” environment is to NOT ALLOW sarcasm and nastiness among siblings. We need to be sure we aren’t engaging in it as well, whether it is with a spouse or with our children.
Another important component of building a relationship with your teen is to learn to laugh. Don’t be afraid to play and be playful. We don’t always know the impact that having fun in our homes will have. During my son’s first year of college out-of-state, he posted the following status on Facebook: “To either Mom or Dad…whoever sees this first: I was on Facebook with my iTunes on shuffle and “Love Will Keep us Alive” by The Eagles came on and it made me think about how a while back at the Buckner house on Saturday nights we would open all of the windows and the front door and play music on Dad’s stereo and dance around the living room…I’m tired of growing up.” I had no idea that fun times such as that would be important to my son.
Lighten up! Discipline on a “lighter note.” For example, when your teen asks to come home one hour after his 12 o’clock curfew, instead of going into a long lecture on obedience, say something such as, “So what I hear you saying is, “Mom, I REALLY want to come home at 11:00?” This is a much less intense confrontation. Another example would be my son and I were joking around on the way to school, and he said something that was over the line. We were pulling up to the school and I said, “Sorry Mom….” And he completely ignored me. After he took two steps towards the front door of the school, I rolled down the window and said, “That’s okay…as soon as you get to the door I’m going to shout out to you if you remembered to take your anti-diarrhea medicine this morning.” I got a prompt apology without offense being taken.
Another way to build a relationship with your teen is to learn to criticize less. There is a distinct difference between consequences and criticism.
A CONSEQUENCE WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS
“Gee, since you chose to come home after curfew, you chose to not go out tomorrow.”
A CRITICISM LOOKS LIKE THIS
“Did you EVEN stop to think I would worry about you? You are so irresponsible and don’t care about anyone but yourself!”
Criticism doesn’t address the actual problem; it merely makes a global statement about the other person’s character. The problem with criticisms is that it elicits defensiveness, and seldom results in behavior change. Especially be careful to not nit-pick the small things.
An example of nit-picking the small things would be giving your teen a hard time because he/she got a “B” on a test instead of an “A”. Nit-picking results in a teen believing they can never do anything right in the eyes of the parent, so why bother? Eventually they give up and then there are bigger problems.
Building a relationship with your teen can result in many years of joy and can offset the tough times that are bound to come along with your kids growing up
Keys to Remember
- Allowing your children to be themselves
- Not allowing meanness at home, learning to laugh
- Disciplining with a lighter touch
- Criticizing less
These are just a few ways to achieve a meaningful and fun relationship with your teen.
If it seems like a daunting task, pick one area and work to make one small change.
Even one small change will impact your relationship and your family in a positive way!
You can contact Dore at: 214-499-0396, Dore@KayTrotter.com or visit our web site www.KayTrotter.com.