My struggle...to be an authentic person | Kay Trotter

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My struggle…to be an authentic person

Being-Authentic

My Spiritual Journey: Counselor—Faith—Intuition

June 8, 2009

Part 2 of a 5 part blog series

I can feel myself beginning to question my new commitment to combine all three elements of who I am – the clinical counselor, the Christ-centered religious person, and the spiritually intuitive woman who receives flashes of guidance and clarity – in all aspects of my professional and personal life.

How quickly my memory fades; how quickly I forget the depth of my recent insight, my direction, my new resolve. I do remember how strongly I felt those things I wrote about only two days ago. I remember the tears wetting my face and the tension in my forehead as I embraced the decision to integrate these three parts of my inner core.  But just as powerful as my desire to be “whole” is my mind and body’s overwhelming need to protect me, caution me against standing out, and urge me to maintain the status quo. “Be normal!” is the message from my inner critic.  “No one else ever talks about a burning need to combine clinical, religious and intuitive insight!”

My brain threatens to erase the cognitive connection I came to, and make me soften my writing, my journey’s foot prints, rendering me stuck in non-change—keeping myself unchanged. What a powerful tool this inner conflict provides me to experience first hand how my clients interact with me, and how they feel about the guidance I provide to them daily. I feel just how difficult change can be—even willing, desperate change.

The struggle to open myself up and share these spiritual and intuitive dimensions of my life with others continues to plague me. The desire to be known, to be loved is there — but I quickly close off when I feel even the possibility of the judgment and criticism of others, especially those who are close to me, those whom I love the most.  I know it hurts them, too, when they see how alive I can be, but that I choose not to share that part of me with them. Do they not see that they can’t have it both ways? They can’t effectively shut me down one moment, and then expect me to continue to open my world to them. This is something to this day I have not learned to do. So I fracture myself sharing just those pieces of me they can handle, and not sharing the other pieces of me that they can’t understand or deal with — or should I just exclude them all together and go it alone?

In a way this is part of what my spiritual journey is about; learning how not to “go it alone.” Learning how to put myself out there and stand in my truth, not only with my family (who are the scariest because I have the most to loose with them) but also with everyone with whom I come into contact. I fear that the people at my church, who I do not really know, will make fun of me, or think I am some kind of psychic nut job. I agonize about how my clients will react – the very people I help navigate the level of their own openness and desire to be touched.

My clients perhaps are the least of my fears, because God sent them to me, and they are ready, open and relieved when I talk about what others shy away from. They have had experiences that can’t be explained through traditional, clinical logic, and they have questions that can’t be answered through traditional, clinical logic, either. Not only do I talk about what others consider psychic babble when my clients bring it up, but also I act as if it’s the most normal everyday occurrence, because for me, it truly is. I only wish I could let my family in on this element of my life—my journey. Perhaps God will show me how, or place the desire and openness in them to explore this and not be threatened or fearful. As I walk were He sends me, as I talk to those He brings to me, to I hope all will be made clear.

My Spiritual Journey Continued

Part 1 My Spiritual Journey

Part 3 God’s Passionate Touch

Part 4 God Wants to Talk to You

Part 5 Steps to Surrender

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group or find out more about Kaleidoscope Counseling please call 214-499-0396

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5 Comments
  1. Jonna Rae

    Beautiful, powerful, thoughtful and courageous. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul!

  2. souldipper

    I deeply hope this is comforting, Kay: So many of us have experienced the terror of stepping out into the black abyss. A solid foothold has always appeared for me. Many times I have wondered if Jesus didn’t feel exactly these same fears. He must have felt terribly alone – even the disciples didn’t REALLY get it while he was here. We don’t have to be that alone. May you find kindred souls in your community with whom you can trust, grow and share. I would wither without my friends. We come from diverse backgrounds, situations and experience. But the pivotal draw is our longing to let all our incredible insights have light and life. At the risk of being trite – courage is fear that is prayed over. – Amy

    • drkaytrotter

      Thanks for the kind words Amy – did you enjoy the Medical Intuition class on Tuesday?

  3. Ann

    As a member of your family, I can attest that you are and always will be deeply loved and respected for who you are. Unconditional love is the biggest perk we have in a family, so you need not worry that we will judge you or love you less. I personally am constantly amazed at your strength, your courage and your perseverance. They are all examples I try to live by every day. Love you big sis!

    • drkaytrotter

      Thanks Ann, that means a lot to me. I love you unconditionally too. I LOVE that you are my sister and how and how you being in my life makes me a happier and better person.

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