hope | Kay Trotter

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All Posts Tagged: hope

Along My Journey…Grieving

Grief is an interesting process, one that I understand but, then again, don’t. Grief seems to take on a life of its own and, for each person, this journey is uniquely their own. For me, the death of my mom this past spring is still too raw and I have not ventured into those turbulent waters. However, my sister, Ann, who lived with our mom, has taken a different route on her journey.

Along My Journey

by Ann Sudekum
Ann and mom February 2013

Ann and mom February 2013

One thing that has helped me with my grieving process has been writing in a journal, which releases a lot of anxiety and pain and anger. Not just with the loss of my mother, but also with the loss of other dreams and desires.

Much of what I have written is for my eyes only, but sometimes I think my words could be of value to others. So, today, I offer a recent “stream of consciousness” in what could be considered a poem.

 


Along My Journey

Along my journey I have walked into many caves and the darkness frightened me and made me cry out for help.

Along my journey I have received love and kindness from many angels here on earth. These angels are the living, breathing human beings in my life who hold me up and encourage me.

Along my journey I have felt like I had dragons to slay; big, mean dragons. But, slay them I did and, when I did, I loudly whispered amen.

Along my journey I have received an overwhelming sense of peace from many angels in heaven. These angels are the people I speak to at night and who visit me in my dreams.

Along my journey I have encountered a hungry tiger and I fed him with my guilt. But the hope inside me helped me redeem myself.

Along my journey I have wandered astray and wearily asked God for help to guide me back home and He has taken my hand and walked beside me.


536672_10200831568021978_937239642_nAs someone who likes variety in their life, Ann Sudekum is a writer, a personal chef, and an all-around marketing consultant. She owns two companies: Ann’s Custom Cuisine and Sudekum Solutions and spends most of her time in front of the stove or in the front of the computer (usually while sitting outside on her patio). In her free time, she enjoys walking her Collie, Seamus, planning her next party or reading a mystery novel.

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God Wants to Talk to You

God-wants-to-talk

My Spiritual Journey: Counselor—Faith—Intuition

July 1, 2009

Part 4 of a 5 part blog series

It has been a couple of weeks since I have written in my journal because I have been running away.  That is not to say that God has stopped working in my life—for He has not. I am the one who has been confounding the process. Why, you might ask? Well, that is simple.  “ I got scared” and “I became overwhelmed.” It was interesting when this happened because even though I ran away from journaling and mediating, God was still there — talking to me and guiding me.  He was letting me realize what He wants me to know about Him and His children, and most importantly what He wants me to know about myself.

You might think that’s an awfully egoistical thing to say—that “I am that important.” I, for one, hate to be around people who are all about themselves. I often tell people who are caught-up in themselves, “You’re not that important.” Well, I say that on the inside, anyway. I am way too nice a person to say something so hurtful to their face. Perhaps what I have been doing all this time is saying those words to myself: “Kay, you’re not that important.” But to God, I am that important, as is each one of His children. Right now, though, during my spiritual journey, I think God is telling me, “Yes Kay, you are very important, and I have a very special job for you to do. I need you to embrace your uniqueness so that you can share your unique sense of passion and being.”

Yesterday I had a very special phone conservation with a friend of mine who God put in my life to help guide me on this journey, and to help me claim my healing power. Do you know how hard that was for me to just write that, “to claim my healing power?” The only way I could was to realize that when I claim my own power, in essence I am claiming God’s power. I can do that – I can claim God’s power. And as I go through this process I will gradually also claim my own power and be okay with that.  But today, July 1, 2009, I am not comfortable “claiming all my power.” Oh, I suppose I am okay with parts of it, but I definitely am NOT okay with claiming all of it.

Many things came out of my phone conservation yesterday — like it is me who keeps people at arms length, not them. Yes, people find me to be quirky, expressive and totally unorthodox, but they are not judging me as I thought they were. They are simply processing how to take in this very alive person. The judgment and criticism is not from them but from when I was a kid in elementary school. I was the black sheep of my class — in fact, a fellow classmates of mine repeatedly said I had “cooties.” Yesterday when I realized this, it was like a light went off in my brain.  I cognitively realized that the judgment I so often feel is an old schema from my formative years. Just like I tell my clients, I will have to work hard on changing this old schema and replacing it with a more positive and realistic understanding.

I feel myself growing, realizing ways I’ve limited myself and my happiness, knowing I have the power to change those old behaviors if I so choose.  This growth is not comfortable or easy – but it’s important, and good. I’m slowly turning my deepest hidden fears over to God, and with each one I release, I feel lighter.

My Spiritual Journey Continued 

Part 1 My Spiritual Journey

Part 2 My Struggle…

Part 3 God’s Passionate Touch

Part 5 Steps to Surrender

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group or find out more about Kaleidoscope Counseling please call 214-499-0396

Dr Trotter also post regularly on her: Facebook Fan Page and Pinterest.

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Want to raise great kids?

If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later. I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less. I would do less correcting and more connecting. I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. I’d take more hikes and fly more kites. I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play…I’d do more hugging and less tugging. ~Diane Loomans

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God’s Compassionate Touch

Gods-touch

Part 3 of My Spiritual Journey: Counselor—Faith—Intuition

June 22, 2009

Part 3 of a 5 part blog series

As I continue to read today God was not finished with me yet. Even thou the sun threatens to run me off my patio, He has more He needs to tell me—more I need to hear. To start I guess I need to share with you the words I underlined in the book God has chosen for me to start my spiritual journey, well one of the books anyway. God actually has me reading four books at the moment. Each for a different purposes each with a different meaning. As a side note I do find it important to share that this poor little dyslexia girl has NEVER read more than one book at time before now. Well anyway here are the words that spoke to me today. They seem to center around two themes compassion and wounded spirit, they are:

  • People longed for His compassionate touch
  • Each who came was touched
  • And each one was changed
  • Compassionate touch
  • That one touch changed their life forever
  • He extended his hand, palm forward
  • Isolate their wounded
  • He was put outside the village
  • Infected by this fear of rejection and their memories of the last time they tired. They choose not to be touched at all. Rather than RISK being hurt again
  • Before He spoke, I knew He cared
  • I will never forget the One who dared to touch me

This last one did it —God is now yelling at me saying “Kay don’t you get it!” “I want YOU to dare to touch my children completely with all of your being and all of your spirit. And I God will not only show you how (even though you already know how) I will be there to hold you –because I know you think you will fail you think you will fall. But I God knows better. I know that this is only your fear talking because I God know you won’t fall, that you won’t fail; that you will achieve all that I have planned for you to be. I want you Kay to touch my children to honor me by honoring them to validate me by validating them, to christen them in the Glory of Christ. Yours is the Power of the Godly touch.”

As a side note while I re-read what I wrote today God wanted me to change what I wrote. You see as I penned the bullet points above I put the word God in parenthesis. Now God is telling me to remove the parenthesis. He wanted me to own that it is Kay doing the touching, and to stop deflecting by saying it was God. He wants me to truly embrace and own the power that God has given me. Yes, God is working through me but I have to own my part totally and right now in this moment in time — that’s kind of scary for me —

My Spiritual Journey Continued

Part 1 My Spiritual Journey

Part 2 My Struggle…

Part 4 God Wants to Talk to You

Part 5 Steps to Surrender

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group or find out more about Kaleidoscope Counseling please call 214-499-0396

Dr Trotter also post regularly on her: Facebook Fan Page and Pinterest.

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My struggle…to be an authentic person

Being-Authentic

My Spiritual Journey: Counselor—Faith—Intuition

June 8, 2009

Part 2 of a 5 part blog series

I can feel myself beginning to question my new commitment to combine all three elements of who I am – the clinical counselor, the Christ-centered religious person, and the spiritually intuitive woman who receives flashes of guidance and clarity – in all aspects of my professional and personal life.

How quickly my memory fades; how quickly I forget the depth of my recent insight, my direction, my new resolve. I do remember how strongly I felt those things I wrote about only two days ago. I remember the tears wetting my face and the tension in my forehead as I embraced the decision to integrate these three parts of my inner core.  But just as powerful as my desire to be “whole” is my mind and body’s overwhelming need to protect me, caution me against standing out, and urge me to maintain the status quo. “Be normal!” is the message from my inner critic.  “No one else ever talks about a burning need to combine clinical, religious and intuitive insight!”

My brain threatens to erase the cognitive connection I came to, and make me soften my writing, my journey’s foot prints, rendering me stuck in non-change—keeping myself unchanged. What a powerful tool this inner conflict provides me to experience first hand how my clients interact with me, and how they feel about the guidance I provide to them daily. I feel just how difficult change can be—even willing, desperate change.

The struggle to open myself up and share these spiritual and intuitive dimensions of my life with others continues to plague me. The desire to be known, to be loved is there — but I quickly close off when I feel even the possibility of the judgment and criticism of others, especially those who are close to me, those whom I love the most.  I know it hurts them, too, when they see how alive I can be, but that I choose not to share that part of me with them. Do they not see that they can’t have it both ways? They can’t effectively shut me down one moment, and then expect me to continue to open my world to them. This is something to this day I have not learned to do. So I fracture myself sharing just those pieces of me they can handle, and not sharing the other pieces of me that they can’t understand or deal with — or should I just exclude them all together and go it alone?

In a way this is part of what my spiritual journey is about; learning how not to “go it alone.” Learning how to put myself out there and stand in my truth, not only with my family (who are the scariest because I have the most to loose with them) but also with everyone with whom I come into contact. I fear that the people at my church, who I do not really know, will make fun of me, or think I am some kind of psychic nut job. I agonize about how my clients will react – the very people I help navigate the level of their own openness and desire to be touched.

My clients perhaps are the least of my fears, because God sent them to me, and they are ready, open and relieved when I talk about what others shy away from. They have had experiences that can’t be explained through traditional, clinical logic, and they have questions that can’t be answered through traditional, clinical logic, either. Not only do I talk about what others consider psychic babble when my clients bring it up, but also I act as if it’s the most normal everyday occurrence, because for me, it truly is. I only wish I could let my family in on this element of my life—my journey. Perhaps God will show me how, or place the desire and openness in them to explore this and not be threatened or fearful. As I walk were He sends me, as I talk to those He brings to me, to I hope all will be made clear.

My Spiritual Journey Continued

Part 1 My Spiritual Journey

Part 3 God’s Passionate Touch

Part 4 God Wants to Talk to You

Part 5 Steps to Surrender

If you would like Dr. Kay Trotter to come talk to your group or find out more about Kaleidoscope Counseling please call 214-499-0396

Dr Trotter also post regularly on her: Facebook Fan Page and Pinterest.

 

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